Psychological reasons people cheat

Psychological Reason People Cheat

                        CHAPTER THREE

                     Psychological Reason People Cheat

Everything begins in the mind, evil and good starts from a simple thought. What people say, what we watch, what we wish for, even the kinds of songs we listen to; can immensely contribute to promiscuity.

Below are some of the psychological reasons for cheating:

 Revenge

Do you know some persons could actually cheat just because they want to revenge? Some people could just feel like hurting their spouse deeply by having sex with someone else. People cheat for all kinds of crazy reasons.

Maria, a teacher in one of the public primary schools in West Africa and also a mother of six children discovered her husband was having an affair:

“When I discovered my husband was having an affair, I knew I couldn’t do anything to hurt him as much as I wanted. So decided to seduce his friend who I am sure led him into that lifestyle and secretly had our pictures taken without him knowing, and later sent the pictures to my husband. I didn’t think my actions through because I was blinded by revenge. My husband hurt so much that he posted the pictures on the internet with horrible captions. I’m no longer in the marriage”.

What happens when you find out that your spouse is sleeping with your best friend or they cheat on you with a sibling, your enemy or your student, what about your staff? Worst of all, your driver? What is the worst kind of cheating that would drive you to revenge?

“Two years ago, I met my wife a prostitute. I fell in love with her afterwards and asked her to quit the job. She agreed. A year after we got married. She completely changed and became decent. I must tell you the whole truth, I was faithful to her and I thought she was, only for her to confess to me one night after she woke me up from sleep around 1am that she mistakenly had sex with someone from her past. Even though she swore never to do it again, I was completely broken. I couldn’t forgive her until I slept with my ex girlfriend, yet, I still felt betrayed. That was how I stopped being faithful”. Zuma (not real name) said.

When people feel betrayed, they naturally seek revenge, especially when they feel they don’t deserve the treatment returned because of how much they have sacrificed and how faithful they have been in the relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean they enjoy their actions, but it makes them feel they have gotten even which is to them, maybe satisfactory.

Like the case of Zuma, he couldn’t bring himself to forgive his wife due to his hurt. Zuma may have lots of reasons for hurting that much, one of which was his faithfulness to an ex prostitute. This he may believe to be the greatest sacrifice anyone can make. But what he failed to understand was that she would have been cheating on him and pretended as though she wasn’t and he may never find out, but she opened up, meaning she regretted her actions.

 Friends

Another psychological cause of infidelity is friends. Yes friends. The kind of company you keep will most times determine the person you will become. If your companies are the likes of flirts and womanizer’s, be rest assured to become like them in the nearest future.

Some people believe that they can judge people by the way they dress. That’s to some extent a misconception. Many people have been led astray by gentle looking fellows who are wolves in sheep clothing’s. Who are you looking for, the dress sense or the person?

In today’s society, the decent looking ones are considered righteous while the expressive looking ones are tagged flirts. If a guy is too handsome, people ordinarily assume he is a womanizer. Why these misconceptions?

People may not know who your friends are but you. Your company can put positive or negative thoughts in their heads. For this reason, it’s important to mingle with the right kind of people.

Amaka from West Africa narrated her story: “I had some crazy friends who were my roommates as well. We did stuff together and were quite close like sisters can be, but they were flirts and I was guided by church and family morals.

I had this boyfriend then in my 200 level in the university. He was a very nice promising young man that I would have loved to marry. I was still a virgin and they weren’t. They kept telling me how sweet sex is. So I decided to do it with my boyfriend, but he refused, saying we should wait until our wedding night.

I loved him for that, but my friends made me feel I was outdated and awkward because I was still a virgin at 19. They kept talking about sex with so much excitement that I was forced to see a porn movie. Afterwards, I started masturbating and then decided to try it but my boyfriend still refused.

I told my friends about it and they laughed at me and said my boyfriend was either impotent or ashamed he may not last more than few minutes when we made love so he covers it up with celibacy.

One day, a really handsome guy came looking for one of my friends. She asked me if I liked him, I told her I had a boyfriend. They made me look stupid for saying I had a boyfriend. One thing led to another, we had three-some and it was great. From that moment, I became bisexual and a sex freak. I saw sex as something more than two people of the opposite sex could have. Now I can’t keep to one partner, I’m so into sex that one partner isn’t enough for me; I don’t know what to do”.

Just like Amaka, some friends make you look stupid if you don’t follow their trail. They keep sowing ideas into you until they may someday start yielding fruits. It may not be automatic, but overtime, it may happen.

Yes, it is very possible to have negative friends and still be positive, but that depends on someone with high discipline, and such discipline can only prevail if that thing is not the persons poison.

Imagine telling a repentant drug addict to keep company with drug dealers or users. The effort towards abstinence will wear thin in a very short time and eventually break.

“I never believed I would cheat on my wife. But it happened that I had these friends from my childhood. We are all married with children but my friends are chronic womanizers.

There was this day we went for a business function overseas and we won a very big contract. So to celebrate, we went to a club and my friends invited some really beautiful and sexy foreign girls to come and keep them company. Even though I told them I wasn’t interested, they brought one for me. The girl they brought me was so beautiful I prayed for strength to overcome sleeping with her.

We talked, I told her I am married and won’t have sex with her, she agreed. So we danced, drank and had a great time. I was overly happy about the job we landed and so drank a little too much. The next thing I knew, I was making out with this beautiful girl in the club. A big part of me protested but I kept telling myself ‘one day will not kill me’. And so we ended up in the bedroom and had the sweetest sex I have ever had.

READ ALSO  How Culture Influences Cheating

The next morning, I woke up feeling guilty but when she came to me again for morning sex, I said to myself, ‘ I have already done it, having more will make no difference’. So we had even more sex that morning.

The remaining two days I stayed before I returned, I was with her, I completely forgot about my wife, even her calls that use to be air to me suddenly become a disturbance.

I returned back home and discovered I had lost every feelings for my wife. I continued contacting the foreign lady. Now, I’m in love with her and I’m thinking of getting married to her, but I don’t know what to do about my wife, she has been so caring and loving to me and our kids, I don’t love her anymore. What do I do?” Steven (not real name) narrated.

If you were in Steven’s shoes what would you do? This is the kind of dilemma that is an aftermath of wrong company.

Steven isn’t a natural womanizer, hence the reason he fell in love easily. Such emotions can be spontaneous, especially when the person completely appeals to your every fantasy. Most times, the recipient’s feelings may be artificial, with an intention to get what they want, but the likes if Steven are completely oblivious to this and may end up making the greatest mistakes of their lives before they realize it.

What would you have advised Steven’s wife to do in other to win back her husband’s love? Note that she can’t compete with the foreign lady both in beauty and ways to pamper a man, thereby making her limited. If you were in her shoes what would you do? Would you leave the marriage or attack the lady? Would you try to negotiate with the foreign lady or would you seek for ways to work on yourself and learn ways to regain your man’s heart?

 Depression

Everyone has a way of dealing with depression. Some eat anything that comes their way and watch television, some talk their worries out, some take drugs and alcohol, some sit alone feeling sorry for themselves, some even sleep all day and barely leave their rooms, while others prefer sex.

Sex as known relievers stress and sometimes serves as antidote for depression due to its ability to distract, excite and relax us. This can drive some persons into the arms of another just to relieve them of the burden.

“When I lost my twin sister in 2015, I was really depressed. She was my best friend and my confidant. My wife knows about our bond and didn’t try to come between us.

I became very sexual and my wife started complaining of too much sex and I took to alcohol as well.

Since I wasn’t getting enough sex at home I took it to the streets. The first time I felt bad, but it later became normal. I forget all about my worries each time I’m having sex, and after cum, I would feel undeniably good”. Dike said.

 Elizabeth also shared her story. “I lost my beauty and curves that was my pride and confidence after childbirth. I tried everything to return back to shape but all to no avail. My life took a negative turn. The likes on my instagram pictures reduced. No one called me for modeling jobs anymore and I became a sit at home mum and this was depressing. I was angry with my husband for getting me pregnant. Several times I thought of suicide as I watched my beauty fade away.

Then I met this guy on Facebook. We started chatting and it gradually transcended to sex chats, we exchanged nude pictures and finally planned to meet.  Initially I was scared, because I knew it meant cheating on my husband but I later gave in.

He was like the cure to my depression; he was so distracting and gave me full attention. The sex was a good one; stress relieving and mind blowing. I had three explosive orgasms in his first round, and so he became my medicine, I was cheating on my husband with no remorse, I felt I needed the distraction”.

People who are depressed most times do anything to get rid of the mood. If sex is the cure for them, they can go any length to satisfy themselves. This is when people get addicted to masturbation. But it is better to masturbate than to be an unfaithful spouse.

 Trust

Some people have trust issues, maybe because of their past experiences or because of something their spouse did.

Esther (not real name) shares her story: “I am a sex addict and I hardly get satisfied sexually, but I never cheated on my husband. This gave my husband grave concern and I tried to adjust. ‘

We were just a year old in our marriage with a son of a year old and my husband gets too suspicious and this infuriates me. He would ask me embarrassing questions and search my bag, sometime even sniff my underwear just to be sure I wasn’t cheating.

One day he travelled and called my line at about 3 a.m. but it was switched off. So he called our Nanny and was told I went for a party and he became furious.

The next day, he cut his trip short and returned but I wasn’t at home. Suddenly I walked in and was surprised to see him, he began yelling especially because I was slutishly dressed, that it wasn’t how a responsible married woman should be dressed. I was putting on a jean pant and t-shirt; there was nothing wrong with it. Before I knew it, he bounced on me and beat me up even before I could explain myself.  Afterwards, he discovered I actually attended my pastor’s birthday party which I told him I would be attending but he completely forgot.

After that black and blue beating, I decided to cheat on him. I have been cheating for three years now and he doesn’t know. The problem is that I enjoy it; I am having great sex with men that could satisfy me sexually. Sometimes I have multiple orgasms in a day from different very energetic men. Now I want to quit but can’t, because I have discovered something my husband wasn’t giving me with other guys”.

This is how many of us ruin our relationships with our own hands, assuming what’s not there and accusing wrongly. No matter how suspicious it may look, never accuse your spouse of infidelity, not until you have proves that they’re actually cheating.

What You Watch

Pornography and erotic movies can increase the urge for sex, and if one who watches pornographic videos has a spouse who spends time out of town, the intense sexual desire may push them to cheating.

Pornography would lead them to fantasizing and imagining things outside being faithful, for example, having sex with more than one person at a time. At this stage, it will take a good sexual spouse to really satisfy them.

“I loved pornography since I was a teenager. I got married to a girl I thought was the bomb in bed. After our second child, she drastically lost interest in sex; the only adventure she gave me was doggie. All she told me was adventurous sex was for teenagers.

I have been considering cheating because she became unkempt and grew fat. I wouldn’t have bothered but denying me sex was the height.

I took to masturbation as a way to save my marriage, and that involves lots of pornography. I can look at a girl and tell you how she would look when nude, yet I had a wife but would get a hard on each time I saw an attractive girl.

There was this pretty girl that always gave me the green light in my office complex. I decided to chat her up and we became intimate. She was sexy, adventurous and daring. I completely lost interest in my wife and my wife found out about us, I’m now to choose between her and my wife”. Koffi narrated.

I would suggest, if you must see things for example movies to enhance your sexual experience, it would be better to see them with your spouse, so that both of you can vibrate on same frequency. Even if it’s a book, ensure your spouse reads with, before or after you. This is how to create an unbreakable bond and to not be ahead of each other.

See Chapter 4: How Family Influence Contributes to Cheating

About the Author: IchieUchenna

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