Many relationships today are going through storms of infidelity due to family influences. This is more complicated than it looks because it’s a problem that doesn’t really look like a problem to the defaulter.
The family one grew up in will determine about 65 percent of the person’s behavior, according to research.
Kids believe and trust in their parents and teachers are absolute. They can argue with anyone trying to dispute what their parents or teachers thought them. They watch closely and learn. Some of the things they learn during their childhood mostly live with them forever.
Family holds a large influence on everyone’s life. What your family may consider a norm will never seem abnormal to you. A family where polygamy strives won’t see polygamy as a wrong thing.
Likewise, in a family where the parents are in a open relationship, anyone can have a relationship outside the marriage, their children will either grow up seeing keeping a relationship outside marriage as normal.
There are also people from families of cheats. Either the men or the women or even both engage in extramarital affairs and laugh about. Don’t expect such person to be any less than what their parent(s) were.
I will advice that before you begin a serious relationship you must investigate your spouse’s background and discuss it with them. Watch them closely and see if they have that trait in them, because it is possible they may be different from other members of their family.
Also, children whose parents are divorced are made to go on a visit to either parent’s houses and are very much likely to find their parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend who likely would like to be friendly, in most cases meet different faces on different visits. Such child may grow up considering infidelity as part of being human.
Caroline shares her story: “my mother keeps men friends and my dad couldn’t do much about it because he was on a jobless and on a wheel chair. She introduces I and my two other siblings to these men as her kids and some of these men were really good to us. I wasn’t really in support of her keeping these men, but she made me understand that they were the ones putting food on our table and paying the rent, even our school fees. So I grew up thinking its okay to have men around who can take care of you.
I got married to an elderly rich man who couldn’t get his penis up for more than a minute. I wasn’t really worried because I had options for sexual satisfaction. Now I have two kids, but I will not like them to think its okay having a relationship outside marriage as my mother made me believe”.
“My dad is a celebrity; he always has all kinds of girls around him. He and my mum are divorced; I grew up spending more time with him than mum who remarried to a lawyer.
Dad has action, he approved of me having girlfriend at 14. I had money and started driving early in life. I never lacked women, the more they came, the much more they came in different sizes and colours.
My problem is that I’m getting older. I’m 42 and finding it hard to settle down. I’m afraid I may end being divorced like my parents. I love women and I know I want them all but I don’t want to end up like my dad, single at 70. What do I do?” Jack (not real name) said.
The thing about people whose upbringing plays a paramount role in their lives is that they’re rarely susceptible to change. They feel right in their actions and uphold it as a standard. Only few with different mindsets see the need for flexibility.
“Growing up by a single mother thought me a lot, or so I thought. My mother was thrown out of her matrimonial home by my father because he was bringing in another woman. I then concluded within myself that men are not worthy of my fidelity. I’m married today, but I am living with mindset that my husband cheats even though I haven’t caught him red handed nor seen anything suspicious. I don’t believe any man can be faithful, they all have cheating in their DNA’s which justifies my cheating as well”. Ada (not real name) said.
Another crucial effect on a child’s life is parental orientation. When parents laugh about a child having different boyfriends /girlfriends, they are indirectly telling the children its okay to cheat. It will surprise you that some parents even go as far as advising their children to have different choices just in case one misbehaves so they will not be left stranded. Such orientation will build tomorrow’s unfaithful spouse.
“My dad once told me that women are medicine and yet poison. That if I want to live long, I shouldn’t give all my heart to one woman but I must respect my wife. He was trying to tell me that clinging to just a woman (wife) makes a man die earlier than his time.
I got married to a nice decent woman who later changed into someone else. I remembered what my dad told me and that was what gave me peace. When my wife comes with her madness, I leave the house for her and find peace in the arms of an accommodating damsel”. Abraham said.
Lust can be tamed but orientation is a way of life. Words are power tool when registered in one’s mind. It is difficult to erase. Like in the case of Abraham whose father gave such orientation, he would a lot of wisdom in it. There’s every tendency that Abraham will pass such words to his children and the thread continues.
Every family has a norm or a hereditary trait in their history. One of such could be promiscuity. This is beyond the person’s control because it flows in their DNA. No matter how hard they try they still falter.
Juliet (not real) shared her story: “my four cousins were sent packing from their husbands’ house due to infidelity. My elder sister has been married now for five years without complaints. This gave me hope that I could actually keep my marriage. I tried to remain a virgin so my husband would be the first person I would taste so I don’t cheat.
I got married to my high school sweetheart, our wedding night was spectacular, sex was like a glorious experience I can’t actually put in words. I really enjoyed the sex that I kept demanding for it and my husband stated deteriorating in performance or I got too used to his four minutes, I wanted more from him.
Anytime he’s not around I can’t concentrate, my vagina would be kicking and screaming for his penis. I get wet just by looking at any handsome man’s picture. Sometimes I get really drenched underneath seating close to a cool guy in a public vehicle.
My husband made things worse for me, he was becoming too busy, even when he got back he’s either too tired or wouldn’t last up to a minute leaving me sex starved.
I got a sex toy just to tame the now growing urge to meet anyone available, yet it was not like feeling the smell and body heat of a man’s body on me.
Meanwhile, I have been chatting with this strange guy online. Both of us hid our identities and I was open to him because I didn’t know who he was. We started sex chatting and each time we did that, I got really wet and used my dildo to satisfy myself.
One day I saw the boys face for the first time; he was way younger but talked too mature. I fought the urge eating me up but not for long.
So I invited the boy over and asked him to my house. When he came, looking at him seating in front of me talking made me grow wetter. So I said without thinking. ” f**k me” I can remember the shock on his face. He was hesitating, I went to him and we had mad sex. He was so energetic and his vigor gave me a different feeling entirely. I reached orgasm for the first time since my marriage and I had it four times that day.
It happened that we continued the sex rump and he got me pregnant. I don’t want to end the relationship with him and I don’t know what to do with the baby, for me, abortion is not an option “.
Juliet, from the look of that story is from a family of nymphomaniacs. She didn’t know about her problem until she was married.
Juliet’s case is not an impossible one. It’s something that requires the spouse’s attention. If you’re a spouse of someone who is a sex addict, you must create time for them and always be there for them sexually to keep the relationship afloat.
See Chapter 3: Psychological Reason People Cheat