Some personal philosophies are catastrophic. A man once told me that he can never allow his spouse cook his meal when she’s on her flow. I asked him why, he said nothing, that’s just his personal philosophy on relationship.
“A patient once said anytime his spouse offends him, as a way of dealing with her, he would refuse to touch or come close to her for at least two months”, said Dr Timothy, a relationship counselor.
People ruin their relationships sometimes with their philosophies. They are either too rigid or inconsiderate. It is very wrong to be autocratic in a relationship. I am not disputing the necessity of having a personal philosophy, but not to the detriment of your relationship.
Being autocratic makes your spouse less significant. A lady may have a very high standard and this may cause her spouse to struggle with catching up. The reverse may also be the case in some relationships. When the struggle begins to affect their pride and self-esteem, it slowly creates room for comfort that can be derived from a third-party.
Whatsoever creates void in a relationship sends an invitation for infidelity. Too many personal standards that don’t favour your spouse are a bomb waiting to detonate.
There is no perfect law that guides a relationship other than understanding each other. The primary thing that keeps couples afloat is happiness, once altered, every other negative vice can creep in and the end point may be infidelity.
“I had this beautiful girl who couldn’t speak simple and correct English, I had a secret relationship with her which eventually led to pregnancy. If only she was well learned, she would have been everything I ever wanted in a woman.
The pregnancy caused quite uproar in my family that I had to marry her to avoid further brouhaha.
My friends have high standards and so do I. I thought I could change her into my spec but she remained below par that classy woman that would complement my status. So I stopped taking her to functions and hardly introduced her as my wife because I wouldn’t want a display of her ignorance in the presence of my friends.
I only get intimate with her when we are behind closed doors or when I want sex. At a point we started arguing about everything because I was getting irritated by her low mentality towards almost everything.
I must have gone too far for her to issue me a divorce letter one Sunday morning on my way to church without her. That was a week after I told her I am ashamed of calling her my wife, that I regret getting married to her. When I inquired her reason for the letter, she told me that she was getting married to a prominent politician she had been seeing some time ago. I was startled by her statement. How was she able to attract such a personality? Does that mean she had been seeing him under my nose? Possibly having sex with him without my knowledge?
After that day, I began seeing the beauty that first attracted me to her and her adorable character. Right now, I don’t mind coping with her bad spoken English and her lack of basic education, I just want her back. We have two kids together; I don’t want them growing up in a broken home, please what do I do?” Silvaestre.
Getting married to someone who does not meet your standard or can’t keep up with your values is the beginning of failure in your relationship. Although, there’s always room for tolerance and coaching; such may require a lot of efforts and patience.
Before you begin a serious relationship, it is important to lay down some ground rules, discuss what your likes and dislikes are. If your spouse can cope with it, then you can go ahead with the relationship. But not everyone does it. Some persons would keep their true nature hidden for different reasons and after marriage they then begin to exhibit their true selves. This kind of issues occurs most times when the person has ulterior motives.
It is very wrong to keep your true self and character hidden during courtship. I call it a fraudulent and deceitful ploy. You misled the person to get involved with a stranger and what do you expect to gain in return, a happy home?
“I courted my wife for three months before we got married. During the courtship, I told her everything I could remember about myself; my values and personal philosophy, she also told me hers.
After we got married and had our first child, I discovered that everything she had told me was the direct opposite of who she was. She literally limits our sex life with her religious values and doesn’t treat me like a man because she’s a typical feminist; this I discovered after marriage.
I struggled with the relationship because I also have philosophies that kick against divorce and cheating. I tried to cope with all her methods except being starved of sex.
So I decided to go against my values and started seeing someone else who gave me sex just how I liked it and also made me feel like a man. I fell head-over-heels in love with her and got her pregnant. Now I’m considering divorcing my wife because I can’t have two wives”. Adam.
Your values or personal philosophies could be made flexible enough to accommodate each other’s personality. And as long as it affects your spouse, it is not ideal. It is a psychological decision which can be changed, so stop making it look like it will kill you if you went against it.
THREE REASONS PEOPLE HOLD ON TO THEIR VALUES
Some persons would rather die than go back on their words. These kinds of persons are controlled by pride. Everyone exhibits pride in one way or the other, but when it becomes excessive it becomes offensive.
People who are found in this category in relationships are: very educated/ intelligent, very influential and very good looking people. They always want to show their superiority even to their spouse’s.
When people are made to feel insignificant and uncomfortable around you, they invariably feel liberated when you are away. What could be keeping them faithful and committed to the relationship could be their high moral values, religion or even love. But everything has a breaking limit.
Religion has a strong control over people’s lives. It has the ability to make people do sacrificial things willingly even to the detriment of their own lives.
There are people who can accommodate religion, but these kinds of people are like minds. It is not advisable to choke or inconvenience your spouse with your religious values, especially when you have to deprive them of their sexual right. Any value or standard without flexibility tends to be oppression.
Superstitious beliefs are another critical factor; it is as strong as religious belief. People fear what they believe have an ability to harm them and fear has an undisputable controlling power.
A superstitious person has boundaries to everything and limits to what they can or cannot do. In this case, there is no room for flexibility even if it affects their relationship. They’re more concerned about the repercussions than any other implications, emotional or otherwise.
Now let us look at similar stories associated with the aforementioned reasons people hold on to their values:
“My boyfriend has two masters’ degree, a doctorate and currently working of on his professorship. He’s in his mid thirties and very good-looking. These were the attributes that attracted me to him.
He is also proud and brags about how girls flock around him each time we have an argument, making me feel like I was replaceable in a minute.
These wouldn’t have posed a problem if he pressured me less with unending rules and regulations. He decided everything in the relationship to his convenience; I can’t come to his house when he does not invite me, when he’s in his study ( which he can spend the whole day in) I shouldn’t disturb him and he only had sex with me when he was horny .
I have thought of leaving the relationship several times but keep coming back to him. He told me that a man shouldn’t be submissive to a woman. I’m not asking him to be submissive, but to be available for me because I feel lonely and seriously considering cheating”. Maureen.
“Why would a man keep starving his wife of sex? My husband is on a 365 days fasting and told me no sex as part of the fasting. Although his reason for embarking on the fast is for our good, but I have endured 4 months already, now it’s driving me insane.
I reported the case to our spiritual head, he called my husband to order, but my husband said it was his decision with his maker that it was no man’s business. He locks himself up from morning till 6pm while I’m left to deal with it myself.
I have gotten emotional with a man who owns a factory beside my shop. I’m not an adulterous woman, but I have been fighting with myself and praying not to be used by the devil”. Kate.
“My wife is very superstitious; she suspects everything and reads spiritual meanings to them. I on the other hand is a realistic and factual person.
I came back home from work, tired and needed to rest, only for me to meet my wife sprinkling water around the house. I wanted to enter the house I pay the rent for and she resisted me and said I had polluted myself with a strange girl. I knew she wasn’t joking and she succeeded in making me sleep out.
This was not the first time of her pulling such stunts, accusing me of nonsense she saw in her dreams, or signs she gets by bumping into stones. She claims she was supposed to be the princess of a shrine.
So I decided to really cheat on her, and this I did with a prostitute. She doesn’t know I did it till date. Now my conscience is killing me, how do I tell her I cheated on her, it’s really going to break her heart”. John.
No matter what the case may be, it is important to always remember that to function well in every relationship, there should be a mutual understanding. Never impose any personal beliefs on your spouse, try to seek their consent first before making a decision, and if your spouse doesn’t approve of it, learn to reconsider and be flexible.
See Chapter 7: Why Do People Cheat: IDLE MIND