When people are not compatible with their spouse, they tend to struggle in everything they do. Such kind of relationship breeds complaints and disagreements. A cat and a dog can sometimes live harmoniously than an incompatible couple, hence incompatibility becomes tends to answer the question “why do people cheat?”
The beginning of every problem in a relationship is arguments. This simply shows that the people in the relationship are strongly holding on to their opinions, no one is willing to bow.
Naturally, not everyone is compatible; there are people who are meant to be and some that are supposed to work on their differences, while some are not just meant to be.
Those who are meant to be work on the same frequency and accommodate one another. This doesn’t mean they do not have disagreements, of course they do, no two human beings can coexist without dispute, that’s what makes us human, but they easily work through it and move on. This is the kind of relationship people call “made in heaven”.
Every relationship has its cross and couples are meant to work on their differences. It is understandable that we are all from different backgrounds with different cultural values and so tend to disagree on different things. That is why no relationship is a bed of roses. For you to make it work, sacrifices, tolerance and understanding must be invested.
Then, the ones who are not meant to be are not just meant to be. It is just like putting two captains in a ship. It is suicidal to put two authoritative people, two bossy people, two violent people or even two arrogant people under a roof, the endpoint is invariably fire!
Although no two persons react the same way, one must always surpass the other, and one being surpassed becomes the victim. Every victim feels oppressed and looks for where to find solace. This is one of the forces that lead to infidelity.
“This is actually what happened with my ex. I noticed that we argued over everything, he’s always annoying me with some things he does. I loved him then but we always fight. It’s like one day peace and five days war. We could argue over TV channel, choice of clothes he or I want to put on, spaghetti crumbs on the table etc; just irrelevant things that I and my current boyfriend can overlook.
You know, in these kinds of relationships, you’re not at peace; it’s always from one heartbreak to the other. I met my current boyfriend on the day we had a serious argument because I didn’t have sex with him over the night. I was attracted to him the moment I saw him, he was gentle and was everything my ex wasn’t. I gave him my number, he became my source of joy; texting me, calling to know how I was and it was like he understands me.
I left my ex the day he found out about my relationship with my current guy. I have always wanted to leave him, but didn’t want to be the one to say ‘it’s over’. So when he did, I gladly left the relationship”. Jane.
There are factors associated with incompatibility:
1. Consistent Nagging
This does not necessarily mean anyone who nags is in an incompatible relationship, no; there are people who naturally nag for different reasons. What I’m trying to say is that, when people are incompatible the nagging is consistent and this can be really frustrating.
There is no consideration for their spouse’s feelings.
3. Everyone is Right
Everyone wants to show that they’re right and this always degenerates to conflicts and annoying arguments. This is one sign to know if you’re compatible or not.
Yes, when two people are incompatible they always find faults from even things they ought to naturally overlook.
“I knew I was not compatible with my wife when we always went for different things. We had no similarities at all, just that I loved her. She was so beautiful and wickedly sexy. When we made love, it is like paradise. With all these other good sides of her, who cares about if we shared similarities?
As we progressed into marriage, reality set in, we started fighting over everything. She would nag the day light out of my life and that differences we had became glaring. She rejects everything I do, nothing that I do is right. And she that claims to be perfect has no single idea of how to do anything right. She frustrated me into keeping late nights and eventually drinking and patronizing prostitutes. She is literally frustrating my life”. Peter (not real name).
Incompatibility sometimes cannot be seen until later in the relationship when both parties are now real to themselves and open. People most times pretend to be who they’re not just to please their spouse; they take what ordinarily they cannot condone with secret grudges because they want to win the heart of their spouse or gain favour. What then happens when their true colors emerge?
Let us look at Agnes’ story: “I had three guys seeking my hand in marriage, the three of them were nice towards me but one caught my attention. Although he was the least money wise and less attractive amongst them but he was also a young promising young man. He would call, text, buy me gifts and send me money. He extended his benevolence to my parents and siblings that made them love him, but that wasn’t what caught my attention. What melted my heart for him was his tolerance, he doesn’t complain no matter what I do to him, he apologizes even when he’s right, I am hot tempered and he understands. The other guys had their limits, but he was out rightly humble, or so I thought.
I married him, after we had our first child, he changed. His transformation was automatic. All those special qualities were false. He was twice hot tempered than I was. He complains about everything and shouts on top of his voice. I discovered I was married to the wrong person.
I would cry most nights while he snores loudly. I have thought of leaving the marriage, but it is too soon. One of my former suitors saw me online and we got talking. Somehow he sensed my mood and called me. I cried as I told him the hell I’m in. He was so good with words and I laughed for the first time in weeks.
After that day, we started chatting often, making video calls and voice calls. He made me happy that I felt so good cheating on my husband with him. My marriage is less than two years with a child to show for it. Right now, I’m considering divorcing my husband”.
People in wrong relationships are going through hell, especially when one party is the unrepentant tyrant. But how is one supposed to know when a chameleon walks in?
Most cases of incompatible relationships, divorce may seem to be the only way out. But before considering divorce, try to see how you can work on the relationship no matter how difficult it may look.
Some considerable steps to follow:
1. Coming to terms that you’re not compatible is the first step
2. Talking about it is a huge progress
3. Taking note of your differences together is nudging towards success
4. Taking action i.e. working towards it is your ticket to getting it right.
See Chapter 9; Why do people cheat?: No Love