Chapter 10: Abusive Relationship
The worse kind of relationship is to be in an abusive one. Most people who are in these kinds of relationships are still in it because of one reason or the other, but majority escapes the bully via divorce and others seeks distraction in the arms of another.
Domestic abuse is all over the world with no affiliation to any ethnic group or country because it does with an individual’s psychological and emotional state of mind.
There are three kinds of abusive relationships, namely:
1. Physical abuse
2. Verbal abuse
3. Emotional abuse
This is the kind of abuse that involves physical contact e.g. hitting. It is mostly triggered by three factors:
ii. Display of authority
Anger could be forced out of a person, triggered by hatred or could even be a person’s temperament.
When anger is forced out of a person, it means the person has endured for too long or could be caused by high level of betrayal and such kind of anger can be disastrous. Such anger is likely degenerate into hatred, which means constant physical abuses or the relationship ends, it could even lead to murder.
Hatred is a very dangerous mindset; it fills the heart with contemptuous, malicious and hurtful intent towards a person. Jealousy, envy, past offense and detest of a person’s character is another reason for hatred.
In a relationship where hatred strives, physical abuse is inevitable. There is no peaceful coexistence with a person one utterly dislikes.
Living with someone who is easily provoked is living with a time bomb. One has to be cautious not to unknowingly detonate it. Such kinds of relationships require understanding to sustain it.
Display of Authority
Showing who the boss in the relationship is is common with most men. As a way of placing their spouse’s in her place, they use their fist.
Most of these categories of men feel challenged whenever she tries to speak up; they feel insulted when she fails to oblige his command; he feels threatened when she earns more than he does… As a way of reminding her who the man is in the relationship may result to physical abuse.
People have different ways of showing that they are no longer interested in the relationship; one of the ways is through frustrating their spouse. They cook up issues and pick unnecessary offenses just to drive their spouse nuts enough to leave the relationship. These kinds of persons will stop at nothing until they get what they want.
We are going to be looking at the different perspective of Mr. and Mrs. Luke (not real name) during an online interview on their reasons for considering divorce.
“My wife knows the kind of person that I’m, she knows I’m principled and do not like nonsense, yet she keeps getting on my nerves. I’m a hot tempered person, i act before I think when I’m vexed”. Mr. Luke said.
When asked what his principles were and how she got on his nerves he said:
“She knows even before we got married that when I say something, I like it to be that way, I hate repeating myself. One thing i can’t tolerate is being interrupted in public, but my wife does that repeatedly, I’m very certain she does it intentionally just to see what I can do”.
Mrs. Luke shared her own side of the story:
“My husband is a very proud man, he doesn’t care about me nor my feelings, all he cares about is what he wants. I can’t even express my anger without receiving a slap, he makes this marriage a living hell for I and my kids”.
This kind of marriage can lead to frustration. Everyone is right in their own perspective, everyone claims to be the victim and everyone is hurting. But there is someone who hurts the most that does not mean the person would be the first to cross the line, both parties are liable to infidelity.
Verbal abuse in a relationship can reduce self confidence and replace it with self pity, it demoralizes and can degenerate to psychological instability. Anyone in such relationship may find it hard to function effectively without mistakes in the midst of people.
There are people who are naturally are creative in verbal abuse, hurtful words seem to be inherent in them and they do not hesitate to lash it out with careless abandon and there are also people who uses abusive words only when provoked or irritated.
These words are stronger than blows; some persons would prefer their bones broken than be insulted by their spouse, while some consider using abusive words as a way to relay their anger. People who are used to throwing abusive words on their partner are rarely missed when they are away because their absence brings a brief moment of peace. No one enjoys a relationship void of peace of mind, no matter how they may seem to be enduring it.
Every time a person cheats over whatsoever reason, known that it didn’t just started automatically; it started from a simple talk and then metamorphosed into a secret affair.
The process begins in the following ways:
1. Getting to know the peaceful and happy side of the new person which they find medicinal to their own mood
2. Discovering how distracted they get around this person because of the happiness they derive from the company
3. Wanting to spend more time with the person
4. Start growing feelings
5. If not disciplined enough could lead to emotional talks that will eventually ends up in sex.
Emotional abuse is common in many relationships and sometimes it is done indirectly without the person knowing he/she is abusing his/her spouse. It could be intentionally denying their partner of sex, turning down their partner’s food and refusing anything from them, non communication ( silent treatment ) or staying away from the house. Whatever action taking with the intention of hurting your partner’s emotions or feelings is emotional abuse.
None of the aforementioned abuses can easily push one into cheating than emotional abuse. This is because; anyone under emotional abuse is dying in need of companionship, love and attention. There is a vacuum created that is desperately longing to be occupied.
“Whenever I offend my wife, she would stop talking to me and denying me sex. She was doing it when we were dating, but I would pet and cuddle her and she would smile, that’s how we get over it. But few years after marriage, she started staying a week being cold towards me and denying me sex , now she can go for a whole month, no matter what I do she wouldn’t bulge, it’s like she is immune to my former ways of cheering her up.
I talked with some friends about it and they advised me to be creative, which I tried by introducing gifts but she still remained adamant.
I’m losing it. I lust after other ladies when I have a beautiful wife at home. I even go as far as masturbating when my wife lives in same house with me, although she sleeps in another room.
I’m dying of emotional deficiency, I’m lonely and horny and I have a wife. Please what do I do? Because I have someone I’m seeing I may likely cheat on my wife with”. Gabriel.
Abusive relationship is like being in a wrong relationship. There is nothing as sad as not being happy in your home. This has no gender bases, everyone can be a victim. The lack of compatibility or understanding makes a relationship look like a mistake and emotional abuse is most likely to happen.
Even though it is not possible to see the future and know when changes may occur, it is possible to make adjustments on your own part to curb future damage.
If a relationship is smooth without obstacles, infidelity can be controlled at least 91% which is to a large extent massive progress. So what can one really do to see that these obstacles never occur?
1. Show your spouse you love them in words, actions, gifts, attention and sex, such that they will be too occupied with you to consider cheating.
2. Be the first to apologize even when you’re right
3. Respect your spouse in everything
4. Show genuine interest in whatever they’re doing
5. Be their number one fan
6. Let your partner feel beautiful/handsome around you by always boosting their confidence through compliments
7. Spend quality time together
Nothing good comes easy, but a determined mind tries to make it possible. Keeping the above list will not only build your relationship but also increase genuine love for each other.
On a final note; you can’t give what you don’t have and you can’t have what you don’t give.